


comes and goes (in waves)

by idontshaveforsher_yesyoudo



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also everyone is sixteen in this thanks, why is this so sad i don't think i've ever posted something so sad idk man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontshaveforsher_yesyoudo/pseuds/idontshaveforsher_yesyoudo
Summary: "Some days, Peter wakes up and it’s hard to breathe. "or, Peter isn't okay but he's getting there





	comes and goes (in waves)

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is mostly just me Not Feeling Good and deciding to make my fave character als Not Feel Good but then give him comfort because that's how you cope, isn't it? anyway a lot of this is based on personal experience so if it's not 100% accurate/ fitting for peter's situation i'm sorry
> 
> TW for mentions of self-harm and PTSD and peter dealing with some (a lot of) stuff because he's fifteen, what the fuck, and not all of it is healthy so be careful. (this takes place like, half a year after homecoming? anyway they're sixteen in this thanks)
> 
> i wrote this in one go at like one in the morning & i didn't proofread it & english is not my first language so i'm sorry for any mistakes yeah okay thats all enjoy
> 
> title of a song thats really nice and calming by greg laswell

The car explodes five feet next to him and Peter doesn’t feel anything.

He doesn’t feel anything as he gets thrown to the side and the only thing he hears is the ringing of his ears even though he knows that there should be noise all around him. He shakes his head, pushes himself off the floor, stumbles and staggers in a not-quite-straight line towards where he knows the source of the grenade that just blew up the car is.

He doesn’t feel anything as he goes through the routine of webs, kicks, tying the bad guy up and staying just long enough until the police show up.

He doesn’t feel anything as he tumbles through his bedroom window, strips off his suit, gets into the shower.

The water is too hot and he knows it, knows that his skin will be red afterwards, but he also knows that it helps him regain his feeling just a bit as he stands at the same spot for a long time, drowning out everything except for the water on his shoulders and the drops in his face.

 

\--

 

The next morning he doesn’t even attempt to make an effort, walks into school in a sweater that almost swallows him and with his hair still as messy as they were when he woke up.

Ned throws him weird looks during their first class and he feels his phone vibrate against his leg and tries to hide his flinch.

 

guy in the chair: you okay?

guy in the air: yea just tired dw

 

He looks up and watches as Ned reads his answer and then frowns at him. He quirks a small smile and gives him a thumbs up, then turns to the front and tries to listen to his teacher talk about something that Peter has lost track of ten minutes ago.

 

\--

 

He changes into sweatpants and an even looser sweater when he gets home and joins May on the couch.

They order takeout and cuddle up together as they watch some stupid rom-com that May chose and he doesn’t even complain.

 

(Before things got kind of bad they used to watch action movies on nights like this, but May seems to have noticed that the explosions and shots make Peter antsy, so one day the selection changed from James Bond to Nicolas Sparks.)

 

May seems to notice that Peter isn’t having the best day of his life, and she lays her arm around him and holds him tight and he falls asleep in her arms.

 

\--

 

Some days, Peter wakes up and it’s hard to breathe.

He goes through his morning routine like it’s nothing, has breakfast, leaves for school.

Ned probably notices that he’s quieter because he will lay a hand on Peter’s shoulder and carry the conversation himself, accepting the (very rare) remarks that Peter can come up with and never mentioning it.

It’s days like this that Peter feels like the noise in the hallways is weighting on his chest, making his hands shake, but when he’s home alone after school the pressure will still be there, like Ned’s cat that loves to sleep on his chest when he stays over, only that Ned’s cat is soft and warm and comfortable and this pressure is none of that.

He ignores the weight, sits down at lunch with Ned, who chatters aimlessly because through some weird sixth sense he knows that it lightens the pressure a little bit, and MJ, who sits with them more often now than not, joins them.

MJ will ask him if he’s alright and he’ll grin at her and tell her he’s just peachy and that she shouldn’t ask stuff like that because otherwise people will think she actually cares. She will grin back at him and say that they can’t have that now, can they, and then return to her book. He will catch her a bit later though, looking at him with a look on her face that he can’t quite read.

 

\--

 

He doesn’t hurt himself on purpose.

He doesn’t hurt himself on purpose because he can’t afford to loose blood or strength doing what he’s doing and he’s already not getting enough sleep, and he’s not at the point where he would actually consider anything in that direction, he’s _not_.

 

(He thinks about it once, when he’s home from a mission and he doesn’t feel anything until he starts cleaning the cut on his forearm and the disinfectant stings in a way that is weirdly pleasant, pleasant because it wakes him from his numbness, because it makes him _feel_ again, even if it’s just for a minute.

He stares at the razor that May uses to shave her legs with and wonders what it would feel like if he’d take one of the blades out and make another cut next to the one already there, if that would bring him back to reality.

He leaves the bathroom in a matter of seconds after that and shuts the door with an air of finality, as if to shut out the thought.)

 

He doesn’t hurt himself on purpose but there are days, when the weight on his chest won’t leave or the numbness in his bones seems permanent, that he will be more reckless. He’ll throw himself into the fight, into the line of bullets, and he’ll return home with more scraps than usual and the bitter taste of guilt on his tongue.

 

\--

 

Mr. Stark – Tony, as he keeps insisting and Peter keeps forgetting – looks at him a bit longer than usual when they meet up the next time.

They mostly meet to discuss updates of the suit and Peter knows that after everything that happened with Vulture Tony is really trying to keep regular contact because neither of them wants last time to repeat.

It’s after one of those times when they spent thirty minutes tinkering with stuff in Tony’s lab (Which, by the way, Ned is going to be so jealous about.), Tony sets down the tool he was just using and sighs.

“Peter, is everything alright?”

He seems kind of uncomfortable asking, not because he doesn’t want to, but more because, as Peter has learned, displays of emotions in general make him uncomfortable.

“Yes, why shouldn’t it be?”

Tony raises an eyebrow at him and Peter realises that playing dumb has no point.

“You look like you haven’t been sleeping. You don’t _look_ alright.”

“I just- It’s not-“

He stops because how is he supposed to put all of it into words, how is he supposed to tell Iron Man that he wakes up thinking he’s back lying under piles of rubble and that he sometimes feels like nothing has a point anymore and everything is drifting farther away?

Tony interrupts his stammering.

“You don’t have to tell me. But tell someone. Don’t let it eat you up until it destroys you.”

It’s then that Peter understands that he’s not the only one feeling like this, that perhaps Tony sometimes has the same thoughts and the same broken look on his face.

He looks down at the screwdriver he’s been toying with and nods.

 

(When he leaves, Tony squeezes his shoulder and smiles at him, small and genuine. He leaves the house feeling lighter than when he entered.)

 

\--

 

MJ figures it out.

Not the reason for Peter’s mood changes, but the reason why he skips decathlon practice and shows up at school with bruises sometimes. (Which, in a way, is also the reason for Peter’s mood changes.)

She sits down next to him when he’s studying in the library in a free period and nearly gives him a heart attack as she whispers into his ear,

“Hi Spider-Man.”

He sputters and stares at her for a minute, until he breathes out a “how?”

She smirks.

“Only the fact that last Wednesday you came to PE looking like you were gonna fall asleep any second, did a hundred sit-ups like it was nothing, and then actually fell asleep in chemistry next period was a dead giveaway. Also you and Leeds should really be more careful when talking about this kind of stuff at school.”

He drops his head on the table.

 

(She doesn’t figure out that recently, his heart rate seems to rise a little whenever she sits down next to him at lunch. That her rare, genuine smiles make his stomach feel fluttery and that it always feels like something’s missing when she’s not there.

She doesn’t figure it out and he’s glad because frankly, he hasn’t quite figured it out himself.)

 

\--

 

mj: saw you on the news tonight

mj: looked pretty rough, you ok?

guy in the air: yah looked worse than it was

guy in the air: did they at least catch my good side? xD

mj: what good side?

guy in the air: ouch :’(

mj: ;)

 

\--

 

They get closer now that there’s no secrets between them anymore, him, Ned and MJ. They hang out more and study together and watch movies and everything is great, so of course that’s when everything gets bad again.

He’s chasing a robber with some kind of alien gun through an empty warehouse (Why is it always empty warehouses? Criminals should really get more creative of where they set up their evil lairs.) and this might become a problem because the guy is shooting over his shoulder without really seeing anything and the static of this building really isn’t great and if he’s honest, this entire situation really isn’t great.

He realises what’s going to happen a split-second before it actually happens, a feeling of dread spreading through his bones and then the building collapses and he can’t feel anything and he feels everything and there’s dust in his mouth and too much weight on his back and he can’t breathe, he _can’t breathe_.

Ned talks into his ear, calling his name, and then, when he hears Peter’s rapid breathing, he starts counting to ten, and ten, and ten again, until Peter calms down enough to focus and realise that there is only a small peace of rock on his shoulder that he can push away easily.

The robber is unconscious in the dust and Peter webs him to the floor and leaves, tries to get home as quickly as possible because he knows he’s going to collapse any minute now.

It’s autumn so it’s already quite dark, which means he can sneak into his window without changing.

MJ and Ned are sitting on his floor and both jump up when he falls inside.

They don’t crowd him, which he is thankful for, but watch warily as he takes off his mask and lets it fall to the floor.

He vaguely sees MJ leave the room and then Ned pushes some clothes into his hands and he changes automatically. The hoodie is too big on him and smells like MJ and on any other occasion he would’ve low-key (high-key) freaked out about this but now he just lets it engulf him and sits down on his bed.

Ned pulls the covers over him and MJ returns with a glass of water and some hot cocoa and after downing the first in a few gulps he holds the second one in both hands and pulls his knees up to his chest.

MJ and Ned settle in his bed as well and it’s a tight fit with MJ next to him and Ned opposite them but now, after the initial panic has passed, the warmth of two bodies calms him down more than anything.

It’s like this, with all three of them huddled in his bed, that he opens his mouth and starts talking.

He stumbles over his words and stops frequently as tells them about buildings collapsing and ringing ears and not being able to breathe when in he’s in closed spaces, about feeling heavy and waking from nightmares where he couldn’t save everybody, couldn’t save _himself_. He tells them about the numbness and the pain and the shaking of his hands and how sometimes, his enhanced senses make everything so much _more_ that he almost can’t handle it. He tells them about everything and they sit with him through all of it, quiet as they take it in.

Halfway through MJ grabs his hand, whether to support him or herself unclear, and when she hears about the recklessness and the urge to feel pain her knuckles turn white and Ned inhales sharply and Peter breathes once, twice, takes a sip of cocoa, then continues.

When he’s finished they sit in silence for a few minutes.

“Well fuck.”

It’s MJ who speaks first, then Ned.

“If I had known…”

Peter laughs a bit, then, shaking and not amused at all.

“Yeah.”

MJ squeezes his hand.

“I’m glad you told us. We’re here for you, okay?”

“Yeah. No more secrets.”

Telling the truth is exhausting and Peter feels fatigue roll over him in waves.

“Thanks you guys.” It’s a whisper more than anything, but they still hear it.

They sit there for a while in silence with Peter dropping in and out of consciousness.

At one point Ned checks his phone and hints that he should go home because his mother will freak otherwise and he hears him and MJ discussing something in hushed voices, then Ned bends over her to Peter.

“Hey, buddy, I’m gonna go home and MJ is gonna stay and take care of you, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Ned strokes his shoulder and lingers for a second, then takes Peter’s (now empty) mug, bids MJ goodnight and leaves.

Peter doesn’t notice much after this, MJ gets up, bustles around in his room, then comes over again, asks him if he wants her to sleep here or on the sofa and he murmurs that she can stay if she wants to.

The light is turned off and she gets into bed behind him and, after a brief moment of hesitation, lays an arm around him.

He falls asleep immediately after that.

 

\--

 

(The next morning he’ll wake up to MJ’s alarm and he’ll feel more awake than he has in days. He’ll turn and look at MJ, hair a mess and wearing the ‘I survived my trip to NYC’ shirt that she must’ve borrowed last night, looking more beautiful than ever.

She’ll wake up as well and smile at him and he’ll smile back and then May will walk in and raise an eyebrow at the two of them and he’ll see MJ blush for the first time.

They’ll have breakfast and he’ll steal her hoodie and she’ll borrow one of his too-big sweaters that are just the right size on her and wear her jeans from yesterday and she’ll grab his hand as they sprint to catch the train and then they’ll just not let go.

Ned will wait for them at school and he’ll just grin when he sees their hands and he’ll throw an arm around Peter’s shoulder and with him on one side and MJ on the other he’ll be _happy_.

For now he just sleeps.)


End file.
